Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
