it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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