I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
