Jerry, you need to find god
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
