Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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