Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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