Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
