I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
