You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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