Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
