I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
