Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
