I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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