I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
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