toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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