There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
