I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
