Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
