Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
