My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
