I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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