Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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