if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
