Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
