DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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