I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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