I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
