I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
