You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
