Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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