I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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