I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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