And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
