is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
