just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Randomize
