Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
