it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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