Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
