Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
