at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
