my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
