I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
