So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
True college students do jello shots in the library
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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