the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
ugly people sure do ruin things
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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