I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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