Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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