He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
