she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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