She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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