so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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