I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
