i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
