she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
