Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
